Numb.

It's been a while since I've used this contraption, this weird online diary.

Combustion

This may seem un-monumental to the average reader, but to me, this situation was golden.
I'm a new driver, and I had my first real automobile scare. My gas gauge was at about an eighth of a tank, but when we bought the car, we knew that the gauge was not always accurate. Needless to say, I prayed the entire 13 miles to school that I would make it over the overpass to see the glorious red and white sign. Of course, it seemed like the needle was especially heavy and just continuously dropped into the danger zone, but miraculously I made it.
That day was monumental. I got myself some gas, folks.


:#12. The Conoco

"When you're here, you're family"

People who sleep alone don't know what they're missing out on until that one night when they don't sleep alone.  (This isn't a one-night-stand reference).

 

 In the last who-knows-how-many-months, there's been this guy. Long story short, he's gotta be the greatest guy-friend I have ever had. He and my best friend and I create the greatest trio that I ever could have imagined, and when we're all together, we are unstoppable. We're up to no-knock status (unspoken rule that allows you to enter a friend's casa without knocking), and our parents more than accept the Three Amigos. We spend our nights eating, racing the electric carts at King Soopers at midnight, watching Netflix movies that make Indie/Sundance Film Festival-worthy movies seem like Oscar nominations. Last night we were in our usual spots on the futon, hiding under the covers during scary parts of the movie and eventually drifting into some strange state of sleep. It's become normal for us to cuddle up and stay warm and act like one little very happy family. And all I kept thinking is, "How right does this feel?" Because it felt so right.
Screw marriage (seriously). I've found the people I want to "spend the rest of my life with".


:#11. Movie Nights

Neverland

I have a crush on...

Boys who play guitar. Bradley Cooper.

...being young?

"Promise me, let's never get older"**

Tonight, some friends and I got in some trouble, all in the name of pizza, local bands, and each other's company. Which brought to my mind the idea of Peter Pan and his ability to stay young and carefree forever. And that's all I want. To make stupid, spur-of-the-moment decisions, here and now. Not 15 years from now when I have people who truly depend on me. I want to get out some of my carelesness, to do some stupid things and learn from my mistakes, rather than sit in a bar at 28 trying to "live it up" because I feel the need to do something reckless. 

Tonight, I've been trying to let everything go. I feel so...so cold, that I can almost physically feel the walls that I've put up. They help forgive and forget, right?

Even so...

I think I just threw up the thought of growing up.

 ** This line was taken from the song "Affinity" by Red Car Wire...which has been playing on repeat for the last 13 minutes.

*** The word "Affinity" is described as a person, thing, idea, etc., for which such a natural liking or attraction is felt. Appropriate? I think so.

 

:#10. Stupidity

Illusions

Sometimes things seem one way, and end up being another. They'll kick you in the butt then help you up. The thing is, most of them will hide themselves and you know you're looking for something, but it's just not jumping in your face, and there's absolutely no escaping them.

He is We is one of my all-time best finds on purevolume.com. They are a boy and a girl who have a passion for sweet music and a passion for each other. And they are my dream.
You see, the beginning of my Christmas break was also the kickoff of something good. Two nights with a friend I haven't been able to friend with in quite awhile, and a more recently-made friend who is.... something else. We spent two nights on a non-Italian-leather sectional, playing Halo and drinking Red Bulls and Vanilla Cokes. Driving to Starbucks just to read the paper and drink some Christmas cheer. Flashing him my sleepy eyes while he channeled some songs about men of six feet tall and toes like bubbles and we just kind of sang along, harmonizing and melodizing with our faces and hearts smiling. And that, folks, is what I want. Just me, a boy, and a guitar...and we'll take on the world just singin' a couple tunes. I want laughing, singing, zombie killin'. Always want more.
But I can't take those nights at face value. They aren't really what they seem, no matter how much a girl hopes.

#9: Sing-alongs

<3 Merry Christmas

Peek-a-Boo, I See You

 

Maybe we all need to be a little more transparent. Let people see into who we are.

Even though it's nothing, it was something.

Laughing in our sleep and not remembering it in the morning. Climbing into bed on the couch, looking over when he slurs out something funny. Stumbling like a drunk on the way to the bathroom.

These are the people I want forever.

:#8. Friends you can wake up next to

Prize in the Box of Crackerjacks

Life: flawed. Jolting. A pile of crap.
Life goes on.

I've never understood baseball. How the catcher knows how to run the game, how the pitcher can always read him just right, and how somebody can crush a 3.8 inch diameter object traveling at 96 miles per hour. The baseball diamond isn't called a "diamond" for nothing--when it all works out and the flaws are taken care of, each facet shines its brightest and BOOM. Home run. 


Something else I'll never understand? The importance of those people who make you feel truly alive. Who you can let your hair down around, who you can share a laugh with, ride in the car with the windows down with...those people who make things seem so easy. Today I got another ride home, and another look at how things oughta be. Laughing, swerving, story-telling. Friend-ing.
It's these moments that take the every-day from a lump of coal to something beautiful and bright.
Even with our back to the catcher, and life's wacked-out curveballs, we still have a fighting chance.

:#7. Neighborly neighbors

Little Red Octagons

Self Efficacy: The belief that one is capable of performing in a certain manner to attain certain goals, and that one has the capabilities to execute the courses of actions required to manage prospective situations
 ~ We should be learning these kinds of things instead of wasting time on valence electrons and the tangent of angle theta. 

 
I know it's probably not a very girl-like fascination, but I'm totally interested in MMA --> UFC. There's something raw, crazy, and disgusting that I absolutely can't take my eyes off once I start to watch. It's something about how much "want" you see in those guys' eyes, and how they won't stop at anything to to get their hand raised after a few rounds. Lately, I've been feeling so empowered. Those blue eyes won the best of me again, but I have to remind this little heart of mine to remember how things will always be. There is no changing someone who doesn't have the desire to change--so I'm learning to cope or say "bye". I feel like knowing what I'm getting into, and knowing that I can handle it, is getting me a lot farther than just aimlessly hoping. This time I'm sure of myself. I know I can handle whatever comes in my corner of the ring. Self efficacy. 
Imagine what the world could be like with this kind of assurance. Maybe in place of people so afraid to fall over the edge, we wouldn't even have an edge to push--we would just be. No more doubt, no more fear of failure...just a drive to succeed and a lot more smiling. 

Today, my friend and I just sat at a stop sign to laugh for a few minutes. We didn't have worry on the mind, just joy. 
Just stop, and tell life to bring it on. Tapout, baby.

 :#6. Being.